Notes on Mommyhood / 1

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1) Never bring your children into build-a-bear if you don’t have the intention of buying something. The same holds true for walking past a Build-A-Bear. In fact, don’t even go in a vicinity that will remind them that they are somewhere near a Build-A-Bear.

2) Why hasn’t anyone invented water boxes, yet? Like juice boxes, but with water. My kids will drink anything out of a cutely colored box with a straw, but scoff at the idea of drinking water, especially from a “boring ol’ cup”. Someone please package it nicely for kids, because I will pay for it. Also, please tell me I’m not the only one.

3) Grandma will always be more fun than you, mommy. The sooner you realize that your kids will throw a tantrum when it’s time to leave Grandma’s, the more painless it will be for you when they start spouting about how “boring” home is, and how they want to stay with Grandma “forever”. Sometimes offering cookies can help, but sometimes Grandma is even better than cookies.

4) Don’t leave a bag of dog food in a toddlers reach. Even if you think they can’t open it, they can. The same rules apply to glitter. Your toddler can open glitter. Your toddler can also open Elmer’s glue, diaper rash cream, and expensive lipstick the waterproof kind.

5) Plastic hammers in a “toddler play tool kit” give your toddler the ability to break the windows on those beautiful French doors you love. The kit should come with a warning but it doesn’t, so consider yourself warned.

6) Good morning mommy… Let me just pull out a fistful of your hair… Now get me some yogurt.

7) That awkward moment when you empty your babe’s bubble bath and finally notice that piece of poop hidden under some bubbles.

8) Thank god for graham crackers.

9) Mommy, let me show you this cool new effective way of typing… you just bash on the keyboard like so… Got it? Great, now let’s play mermaids.

10) Don’t ever let your toddler play with your keys. Just don’t. Because they will get lost. AND YOU WILL HAVE TO PAY FOR NEW ONES. AND THEN YOU WILL FIND THE OLD ONES A COUPLE DAYS AFTER PAYING FOR THE NEW ONES.

BY amber rose

For the Kids

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Because, you know: What mommy can’t resist buying the newest of the new and cutest of the cute for her kids? And if we can’t afford it right now, we can always just look at it online and put it on our never ending wish lists. At least… that’s what I do.

1. Little Cutie Letterpress Card by Parrott Design Studio 2. Chunky Cable Knit Sweater by Gap Kids 3. Aurora Dress by Little Aida 4. Wovenplay Dot Leggings at Minikins 5. Hunter Davison Toddler Rainboots in Chartreuse at Nordstrom

BY amber rose

Pilot

I’m going to be very honest here- brutally honest, if that’s okay: This blog wasn’t even supposed to happen. You see… It was really supposed to be an HBO series that I was going to write. Or at least pitch. Really, I’m not joking.

But the thing is, I’m not very good at writing scripts at all. So my idea was kind of shot to hell.

Then I thought: Why not blog? Why not tell the story yourself? Make it funny, simple and relatable. After all, it mirrors your life and and the lives of a few close friends. A blog is more real than a T.V show, right? Still, I was hesitant.

You see, here is another truth (and I’m really cleaning out the closet here on my first post with this brutal honesty thing, which you will soon find is my forte) is that writing is a tough career to throw yourself into these days, whether you have experience or not. I do, but that is besides the point. It’s a tough market. Especially when you have two little kids to take care of, like I do. Or student loans to pay. Bacon to bring home. Dreams to fulfill.

I have more to say… A lot more. Things that will probably make you laugh. But this is just the beginning.

So this blog is happening. A story, if you will. A few designed curations of my kid and rockstar mama favorites. A series of episodes of my life, and the few (amazing) mom friends that I have. Ideas. Experiences. Most importantly, finding the hilarity in being a mom.

And notes. Lots of notes on Mommyhood.

BY amber rose